tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90310522011-04-21T18:42:44.009-05:00Velvetnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1391100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1135593182603024842005-12-26T04:07:00.000-06:002005-12-26T04:37:31.900-06:00

I'm sad. Have been for a few days...since coming up, actually.I want my family back the way it was, god damn it. I want my grandfather to have survived the last heart attack like he did five times before. I want my grandmother to stop playing the martyr, stop telling me she's saving her gold sand dollar pendant for me as promised (I appreciate it, just for god's sake stop reminding me you're not

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1134691354128177042005-12-15T17:31:00.000-06:002005-12-15T18:02:34.180-06:00

My grandfather died almost a year ago and it's going to be the first Christmas without him. I didn't think this would affect me, inasmuch as I thought at all about whether it would affect me. But it does. I would do this horrible year all over again if it meant he'd still be there.Been all teary-eyed and shit whenever I think about it, which I though I'd stopped a few months ago. But I guess you

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1132832697659320822005-11-24T04:48:00.000-06:002005-11-24T05:44:57.736-06:00

My uncle Pete may soon be living with my dad and brother.I hope it's not too soon; I'd rather my brother be at UIUC by then. He can handle himself, but Pete is...not a good person to spend too much time with. But I already told my dad I won't be staying here when I come up from school if Pete's here. I'm afraid of him. He's nuts. He's made comments that you don't make to your 14-year-old niece,

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1128991571763358412005-10-10T19:26:00.000-05:002005-10-10T19:46:11.773-05:00

Tense, frustrated, scared--really scared, it's this deep-down dread of what I feel is pretty much inevitable: failing two classes. Quantum makes no fucking sense. I do the problem, I think I've got it right, then I find out I have no idea. Test on Thursday. Sweet jesus, I'm dead. Lab is impossible to do.Homework due tomorrow: lab report, quantum. I won't have time to finish the lab report tonight

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1128637744358920532005-10-06T17:20:00.000-05:002005-10-06T17:34:09.500-05:00

I need rest.Can't have it. Just keep working, do what you can and hope for the best. Don't think about tomorrow, just do all you can today.I'm falling further and further behind because I keep taking rest when I can't afford to. This week I've given up on two assignments. One will be dropped from my grade. I don't think the other one will.I worry about this constantly, because this is what I did

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1124736952008705592005-08-22T13:48:00.000-05:002005-08-22T13:55:52.013-05:00

My financial aid came in.It's, um, a lot more than last year because I made pretty much nothing last year and my "Expected Family Contribution" was --heh-- $0 instead of $1500. I opened my account expecting to see maybe a couple hundred left over from my paycheck which I've somehow managed not to spend yet and from the student refund that magically --and I do mean magically-- came in just when I

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1124494327877003082005-08-19T17:04:00.000-05:002005-08-19T18:32:07.933-05:00

God damn it.I forgot to get my new pack of pills today. Supposed to take the first one on Sunday. If I get it on Monday I should be okay but damn it, I put it off and I know better.Shower problem is resolved somewhat--don't turn it on all the way. It still started to get cold by the time I was done though. Mgt says it's one apartment per water heater and it's the same size and I think the same

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1124388280463508712005-08-18T12:29:00.000-05:002005-08-18T13:04:41.776-05:00

So, um...There's too much going on that I don't understand. I am confused and I feel like I have no control over what's happening.Between apartment fuckups and payroll fuckups (there's a new one I just found out about that looks like a fuckup but it could just be an unfuckup but I don't believe it cause the amount they gave me is like twice what I normally get so I'm scared to use the money even

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1123906141560684572005-08-12T23:06:00.000-05:002005-08-12T23:09:01.570-05:00

I have discovered that the fewer strangers I move in with, the happier I'll be.Six fucking flies in the kitchen, buzzing around and landing on me when I'm hot and sticky and washing a few dishes in a kitchen sink that contains one plate that has been there for a week. The counter beside the sink is covered in plastic containers. There is one person in this house who is not washing their dishes

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1123878668610538732005-08-12T15:17:00.000-05:002005-08-12T15:32:28.326-05:00

One thing after another. Yesterday was a bunch of little things, the Old Man in the Sky poking at me to see if I'm ready for the stress of school yet (You know, OMITS, you could just ask. I can tell you right off the answer is no). Or maybe he was just trying to piss me off, the passive-aggressive bastard, cause he does that sometimes.* Today I did not get paid as I was supposed to and my

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1121879951230287642005-07-20T11:47:00.000-05:002005-07-20T12:54:31.290-05:00

I really needed the break.Looking back on what I wrote before, how I was feeling and what I was thinking, I'm re-amazed at how deep I get into things--so far down that I can't see a way out. Then I take a break like I did, and I forget about it, and everything is fine again.I don't know if I'm going to get the same way once school starts again. I probably will, at least in regards to school stuff

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1115000482954121792005-05-01T20:56:00.000-05:002005-05-01T21:21:22.956-05:00

Don't you hate it when you haven't had sex in so long that you forget how to move?I've never been all that good at being on top, but when the time came I was like, wait a minute. How does this work again? When I proved myself incapable of performing (heh), we flipped over, which I've never managed to make work, but it did this time--except for my hip, which flipped me the bird.Not that I'd

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1114487055978292622005-04-25T22:43:00.000-05:002005-04-25T22:44:15.980-05:00

My evil roommate hasn't spoken to me for weeks and I think I've finally mostly relaxed and am not constantly on alert that she'll poke her head in to give me a little petty jab and upset my entire balance (I've really got to work on the emotional over-reaction thing, I mean my emotions really seem to go way out of proportion to what's going on); I got an full week's extension on the evil

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1114227852387845452005-04-22T22:36:00.000-05:002005-04-22T22:44:12.390-05:00

I don't know when, and it's not like I'm completely gone...I'm used to spending time away from him. I need my space.But I've fallen in. I'm assuming this is It. I decided I wouldn't leave when it started.I put too much on it. Now I feel like I'm breaking, though I know I'm already broken. I splinter like a dry branch, twisted.I don't know how to make myself think the way I want to think of this.

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1114157549846310512005-04-22T01:40:00.000-05:002005-04-22T18:19:28.056-05:00

Not too much, just a little. Though there is a bit of sex-discussion at the end, it's nothing explicit or anything.Sometimes I get a feeling like I'm living in a bubble. Like nothing's real, this is a dream. But I don't feel like I'm going to wake up any moment, it just feels like a dream.C was over tonight after a bisexuality workshop that I asked him to go to with me. I wanted him to see this

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1113889174649468322005-04-19T00:33:00.000-05:002005-04-19T00:39:34.650-05:00

I feel weak because I miss my boyfriend when he's not around.The funny thing is, sometimes when he is around I'd rather be alone. I stuff it down, because we don't get to see each other very much, but it's still there. Usually when he's in my apartment.How am I gonna manage to live with him if I don't want him in my space? I mean, granted it's going to be a couple of years still, but what if I

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1113638976577060962005-04-16T02:58:00.000-05:002005-04-16T03:09:36.576-05:00

I have often wished that my mind acted like many geeks' that I have met and worked with in the past, that when it grabbed a problem it would not let it go until I had figured it out. I used to think that that was some kind of character flaw or something--not quite, but it bothered me and I never did figure out why.I just recently realized that it's not a character flaw--I just get distracted and

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1113447851938227112005-04-13T23:03:00.000-05:002005-04-13T22:04:11.940-05:00

I was thinking the whole day about why it is, exactly, that I'm participating in the Day of Silence. This is what I came up with:I can speak. I can be out and visible as a bisexual woman.Even if I were straight, I could speak out about my views on non-straightness. I do not have to fear harrassment or bodily harm based on my sexual orientation (real or perceived) or views on queer rights and

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1113453722276888572005-04-13T22:04:00.000-05:002005-04-14T00:23:14.823-05:00

I have determined that blogging--typing, more generally--is not speaking.Especially since the only time I talked all day was twice in class when I forgot momentarily and responded to C without thinking (I'll do better next year) and at the Breaking the Silence Rally when I got up for the open mike to say pretty much what I have in the (chronologically) next post. I'd written it down in class a

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1113164629170710222005-04-10T14:51:00.000-05:002005-04-10T15:24:26.053-05:00

I live with three other girls in a four bedroom apartment. We're all under individual leases and the apartment building puts everybody together at once before the school year starts. They're pretty good at it, I think--the manager is really good with people; the moment I walked in she had me pegged as a science type, and confirmed it by asking me what my major was. So two of my roommates are

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1113009869789609472005-04-08T19:44:00.000-05:002005-04-08T20:24:29.790-05:00

I feel bad.Seems like there's always something I'm waiting on, thinking okay after I get more sleep or my toe is healed or what-have-you, then I'll be able to tell if I'm really depressed or if I'm just upset because of this one thing. But that's not really the way it works.Given the vast number of problems I could have, depression from only sleeping 6 hours a night is not all that bad. But it's

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1112316251996488482005-03-31T18:35:00.000-06:002005-03-31T18:44:11.996-06:00

Haven't been posting because I haven't needed to.That, and I'm swamped with work, and even if I'm not working there are plenty of other things I can be doing. Though now that I've broken my toe and won't be practicing aikido for 3-4 weeks, I may have more time.I'm just saying. Most everybody who has this address also has my myspace and xanga, so you know already. But for the two people who read

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1111477290837015042005-03-22T01:39:00.000-06:002005-03-22T01:41:30.836-06:00

Had my first regular class of aikido today.I'm worn out.That is all.

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1111360471570433952005-03-20T17:14:00.000-06:002005-03-20T17:14:31.573-06:00

Thought I had yesterday that's been sitting in the back of my mind ever since:It's interesting to think about the ways we develop into the characters we become. We each associate certain connotations to different names--I associate the name "Jessica" with the cheerleader type, strangely while associating "Jess" with a different kind of girl altogether--and it's similar to the association of

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1111208218157779902005-03-18T22:15:00.000-06:002005-03-18T23:14:45.716-06:00

Okay. Not so much with the self-hatred.Spent days doing nothing but working, sleeping, eating, or in transit or class. Well, okay, also doing things like cooking or showering and stuff that go along with those things. Yesterday I studied for the E&M test for about six or seven hours--from about 2 pm till about 12:30 am, the only time I wasn't studying was when I was traveling or cooking or ea--

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110774123972663622005-03-13T22:16:00.000-06:002005-03-13T22:22:03.973-06:00

Slacked off the whole fucking day. Did absolutely nothing. Chatted with my homework in front of me...pulled my usual tricks of sitting down, looking at it, picking up my pencil, and promptly doing something else. Mostly chat. Why did I open Yahelite? I don't know. Maybe I thought I'd actually work with the fucking window up.I have two exams this week, one on Wednesday and one on Friday. I can't

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110743744580175782005-03-13T13:38:00.000-06:002005-03-13T14:15:15.523-06:00

In my bed after waking up after taking a nap from 2-3 in the morning...him on his back, me propped up on an elbow, looking down at him...I was trying for hours. He'd already asked me two or three times what I was so pensive about; I don't think I'd responded at all, just kept looking at him, touching his face, thinking I love you I love you I love you. And then as he fell asleep, I watched him

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110661714474234612005-03-12T15:06:00.000-06:002005-03-12T15:16:48.176-06:00

One after another they came into me.Each took something from me that I didn't know I had.I wasn't whole before thembut now I am brokenpieces littering the floorNow you.Can I trust you?Will you hurt me too,will you use me and badger me and poke and prod me when I don't want you to?Will you make little comments until I give in,will you rub yourself all over me and press me into the ground,invading

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110606576026276532005-03-11T23:01:00.000-06:002005-03-12T00:15:23.850-06:00

Funny how an offhand comment can make my whole view turn around.TMI warning, btw, later on.I mean, I'm not saying I'm gonna break up with him or anything, but I'm not feeling like I was, and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't tell him I love him if such a small thing can erase so much from my mind/heart.He came over this afternoon before dinner--I was so sleepy from not getting enough sleep for the

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110526205646602312005-03-11T01:20:00.000-06:002005-03-11T01:30:05.646-06:00

...that I'll tell him on Saturday. It will have been two months.The fear rears its ugly head not when I think of him, but when I think of the word love. When I'm thinking about him, thinking to myself how I feel about him, I am not afraid. When I'm thinking about the words, that's when I feel fear.To give myself time to make sure, to make sure I actually say it instead of continuing to torture

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110435648591516332005-03-09T23:41:00.000-06:002005-03-10T02:19:38.316-06:00

...that I am asymptotically approaching being in love with C.Every day I get closer. Today when I was with him I couldn't remember why I wasn't telling him I love him. Now that I'm alone again, I know it's my fear that's holding me back from telling him.Using the word is terrifying--I can't write here "I love him" just by itself. And there's a little bit of my brain that disagrees with that

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110356375593144912005-03-09T01:51:00.000-06:002005-03-09T02:19:35.596-06:00

I remember when the beginnings of relationships were joyful, intoxicating stretches of time, during which I rode a great wave of euphoria and went happily along with the emotions that filled me to the exclusion of all else.That was before I learned that I could get hurt very very deeply in relationships.Now the wave I ride is more of a storm type. Instead of riding to shore high on the top of a

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110181450323709052005-03-07T01:35:00.000-06:002005-03-07T01:47:06.856-06:00

...that maybe I don't need to wait.That thought is becoming more consistently present than the thought that I do need to wait. Why was I going to wait again? I reread......And come up with the Ultimate Question: Where is my focus? Right now I'm still not entirely sure that I'm not feeling like I love him mainly because I want to. Am I ready to give him my love? Is he worthy to receive it?That

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110096676228099142005-03-06T01:59:00.000-06:002005-03-06T02:14:41.260-06:00

I just read the description of my shadow type, the ESFJ.Frightening.These are my anxieties, my internal conflicts, my fears, and my nagging doubts. This is the Little Voice. This is the stream that runs through the deep caverns of my mind, sometimes quietly lulling me to sleep, sometimes driving me to care deeply--usually too deeply--for others. If I get too close I see--and get lost in--the eddy

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110090272875288142005-03-06T00:09:00.000-06:002005-03-06T17:55:54.700-06:00

It's so hard to keep my mouth shut!Every time there is some emotional connection, every time I feel some closeness with him, The Three Words pop into my head. NO! Go AWAY!Talking to him online. I found something on a woman's sexual response cycle that reminded me I was trying to explain the difference between being horny and being turned on--he hadn't realized there was a difference. I explained

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110068067706608512005-03-05T17:52:00.000-06:002005-03-05T18:21:06.633-06:00

My old ways of relationship thinking are trying to draw me in with hormones.I've been focused on school for the past two weeks and I'm very proud of that. I'm almost caught up to where I want to be--worked for three hours today and I'll work some more if that job would ever finish running; I haven't been able to work almost at all because I've had to do homework instead because I was always

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1110004273356918202005-03-05T00:20:00.000-06:002005-03-05T00:31:13.356-06:00

I nearly told him I love him today. The whole time I was with him, from beginning to end and beginning to end (he had aikido practice in the evening. I can't go to Friday classes because I'm not past the beginner class yet), I wanted to say it.Again. Meaning nearly again--again wanted to--not told him again. Haven't told him. Still not so sure, but the uncertainty is not so emotional this time,

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109876053030745432005-03-03T12:48:00.000-06:002005-03-03T12:54:13.033-06:00

...just really short ones, like when I'm waiting for something and have something to say.Yeah yeah. I'm addicted, I know. Hush, you.So I find this excellent one-liner in a /. sig: "The indiscriminate use of vulgar language is the linguistic crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker." And I make it my away message, because I can't blog it, because I'm *ahem* Not Blogging so that I do my homework. A

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109741021260877292005-03-01T23:21:00.000-06:002005-03-01T23:23:41.260-06:00

Will not be blogging for some period of time.Let's say till Monday. Well, Monday I'll still have homework to finish for Tuesday, and then I'll have mechanics due on Wednesday, and then I still will have E&M and astro due on Friday, not to mention the work I have to do for Friday and for Thursday.So I'm afraid I'm going to have to wait till a week from Friday.I'll be back on or about the 11th.

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109573164323800972005-02-28T00:45:00.000-06:002005-03-05T13:56:37.240-06:00

it's coming.your smile catches meyour eyes hold meyour kindness, i am drawnyour thinking, i am captivated.your touch...tension drains away;you heal my split ends and soothe my splintered edges.you are the river over my rocky bedcool water eroding the sharpnessbit by bit.i can feel the walls bending out of the way;they lie down like grass under the wind's gentle breath.i can feel myself lifting up

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109563927916842562005-02-27T22:04:00.000-06:002005-02-27T22:12:07.916-06:00

I can feel it getting closer.I'm opening up, dropping my walls. I can feel them coming down. My feelings for him are growing; the image of him in my head doesn't require so many adjustments when I see him; he's becoming more real to me. I've been afraid to believe that he can fit me so well, but I'm getting used to him and as the newness of the relationship wears off, so does the unfamiliarity

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109491878773773562005-02-27T02:11:00.000-06:002005-02-27T02:12:16.276-06:00

Youare not realI watch youfascinatedwith wonderall my pain leads to thisto the things I doand don'twith youfor youwithout youfor mewords are uselessthey don't mean what I want them toI will waitand waituntil they do

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109493552342655002005-02-27T02:02:00.000-06:002005-02-27T02:57:09.880-06:00

well hey, what do you know. It's a Saturday night at 2 am, and the people below me are talking like it's 3 in the afternoon. Do I hear them all day? No. Do I hear them ever? No. Do I hear them when I am about to go to bed at 2 am? Of course!Management says they're dealing with it. It doesn't bother me so much, but it's become a matter of principle. And on a day when I can't seem to get any quiet,

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109302171403228162005-02-24T21:01:00.000-06:002005-02-24T22:06:23.836-06:00

The one that knocked me back for a minute, the big thing, from which so many other things come...the one I forgot just about right after I realized it: I focus on others when I should focus on myself.I give too much to my partner because I focus on him instead of my wants and needs. I don't know how I feel because I don't pay attention to my emotions. I can't concentrate on my work because I'm

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109310202746465402005-02-24T15:21:00.000-06:002005-02-24T23:43:22.746-06:00

It's okay.Don't rush. Take it as it comes.There's plenty of time.You'll have what you want, but first enjoy what you have. Enjoy the freedom. Someday you'll wish you had your own room and no one asking you what you're doing.Enjoy the moment.Keep your Self.You don't have to give so much.Focus on yourself. Hear your own voice.

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109142414615687352005-02-23T00:36:00.000-06:002005-02-23T01:06:54.616-06:00

Well, there you go.It's faded. If I'd said it I would regret it now, and that's the reason I said I'd wait three months. April 12th would be the date, if I did it that way. I still feel pretty much the same way, I think, only the Three Words aren't streaming marquee-fashion behind my eyes.I got my time in Group. Got more than I bargained for, actually. A lot of stuff to think about, but

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1109032375658445382005-02-22T00:34:00.000-06:002005-02-22T00:45:05.326-06:00

It's faded a little bit, I think. I could be wrong, but it seems not so much. I know I'm not going to say it unless either it's overpowering or I make a conscious decision when I'm not around him to say it. Well, I mostly know that.I haven't been thinking, today, about any changes after the L-word has been spoken. I'm not really concerned about it. When it comes down to it, like tonight when I

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108976473524168152005-02-21T02:18:00.000-06:002005-02-21T03:18:42.636-06:00

I wanted to, and if he'd pressed me to tell him what I obviously had on my mind, I would have. I think that he must know, but he won't say or do anything that might cause me to say it, because he wants me to say it when I'm ready.I'm not really ready. I know this. I'm not ready for the change that occurs when you say it; I'm not ready to give that much emotionally. I need more emotional space. I

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108892806664282512005-02-20T02:50:00.000-06:002005-02-20T03:46:46.666-06:00

It is so hard not to say it.I know that if I say it now I will regret it. I'm not ready, and at any rate it's not true. I don't know what I'm feeling for him, but love is not the right word for it.I didn't almost say it at any point today, but it was there in my head the whole day. I want to express what I feel when I look at him, when I'm watching him work on a problem, when I'm seeing the way

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108808950431062362005-02-19T04:17:00.000-06:002005-02-19T04:29:10.433-06:00

Rereading the post after the following post, I realize that I still don't really believe that C cares about me.I think it's going to take a very long time before I believe that. And once I do, I'm not sure I'm still going to think or feel about him the same way. I hope I will, but I'm afraid I might lose control of myself again.The only way to find out is to do it. I'm not about to let my fears

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108806859084861102005-02-19T03:24:00.000-06:002005-02-19T03:54:19.086-06:00

From a thread on myspace. The question was "how have you touched someone else's life?" My response also involved how he's touched mine.I introduced him to blues, jazz, and big band music, and swing dancing. I'm in the process of helping him refine his opinions (and separate his ideas from his dad's) by arguing with him. I've shown him that there is at least one person who considers him extremely

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108801172298285892005-02-19T01:13:00.000-06:002005-02-20T02:09:47.590-06:00

I know how to fix my problem with distraction by C even when he's not around.Refocus.My attention needs to be on school. For the past two or three days (due to the two homework assignments due and the two exams today), it has been. Felt like I haven't seen him at all, though I saw him in class Wednesday (technically, though, seeing him in class is not seeing him) and at night yesterday (for a

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108535041193844812005-02-16T00:32:00.000-06:002005-02-16T00:24:01.200-06:00

I've never actually wanted to physically express anger...except for today.A few people from my mechanics class meet in the astronomy library every Tuesday to do the homework which is due tomorrow. Recently it's been extremely frustrating--there are some integrals that just can't be done at all easily, and it seems like the questions are almost intentionally vague, and how the fuck are you

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108451956199898862005-02-15T00:20:00.000-06:002005-02-15T01:25:37.846-06:00

Or rather, the lack thereof.Sitting in a coffeehouse doing homework with him after aikido practice (which, btw, I am becoming more and more addicted to every time I go--rolling around the floor is surprisingly fun)...about a half hour before the shop closes, I get hit by a wave of good feeling toward him when he draws his fingertips over the back of my neck. It lasts for a bit; the thought of

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108356469105183952005-02-13T22:17:00.000-06:002005-02-13T22:47:49.110-06:00

Shall we make it one more post of trying to figure out the rest of what's wrong with me and why I'm depressed when I'm neither around him nor distracted by something else?I don't want to do anything.Strangely enough, I've done several things today. I've worked on math homework, which is almost done, and that from one class is not due until Tuesday. I cleaned my bathroom (I even scrubbed the walls

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108324475599118952005-02-13T13:45:00.000-06:002005-02-13T13:54:35.600-06:00

After five hours at the kitchen table, doing math under the fluorescent light, I had what was promising to become a really bad headache if I didn't get out of that light. I mentioned to C that I was about done and wanted to go back into my room and make out for a bit before we went out for dinner, because we'd been torturing each other for about six hours and I was tired of waiting (and of doing

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108294022786486042005-02-13T04:57:00.000-06:002005-02-13T05:27:02.790-06:00

I was nervous about it, but after carefully checking and rechecking the words in all the songs, I burned it and gave it to him for Valentine's Day, since we celebrated it today as we're both going to be pretty busy on Monday. And because we have had to institute a rule that we do not go to my apartment on school nights. I didn't give him the note--I realized after I'd given him the CD that I'd

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108179697284725602005-02-11T20:58:00.000-06:002005-02-11T23:05:40.156-06:00

Valentine's Day being Monday, I need to think of something to do or get for him.I thought I'd just burn him a copy of the mix CD I put together a few days after we started going out, but after listening to it again and paying attention to the words...I dunno. It feels like wrapping up all my emotion over the past month and giving it to him as a gift, and I'm scared of what his reaction might be

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1108170487537952292005-02-11T18:11:00.000-06:002005-02-11T19:08:07.540-06:00

When I spend a lot of time with him, I get edgy and need alone time. When I spend a lot of time away from him, I get lonely and I miss him. Specially after last night, but we'll leave that out of the equation for now. The point is, WTF? We see each other about every other day--MORE than every other day. Maybe half the time we're together, we're paying attention to each other (we spend a lot of

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107818242513221652005-02-07T17:11:00.000-06:002005-02-07T17:17:22.513-06:00

The rollercoaster ride continues. I'm not manic or anything, but I do feel better about the relationship and I don't think I need a break. I realize I've always had abandonment Issues, or that need for reassurance, or whatever it is. I've always wanted my partner to do or say things that show they're thinking about me. I don't know what to do about it. I'm going to talk about it in group

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107764433972243372005-02-07T01:15:00.000-06:002005-02-07T02:26:25.856-06:00

Thinking about C and my abandonment Issues, my need for reassurance that my partner cares about me... I just remembered him talking about how he has to push himself to go to aikido practice, even though he loves it. He prefers to stay at home rather than go out and do things. I'm the exact opposite (which is very ironic, considering that I'm the introvert and he's the extravert). I almost can't

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107739691087625512005-02-06T19:20:00.000-06:002005-02-06T19:28:11.086-06:00

...and then I'm going to stop fucking thinking about it. I'm not going to tell him tonight because I'm not going to see him--I could just give him (most of) the previous post to read and see what he thinks, but I wouldn't be there to see his reaction and I don't like to talk about something this important other than face-to-face. By tomorrow I should have a different view on the subject. If I

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107724885845596832005-02-06T14:48:00.000-06:002005-02-06T19:19:35.040-06:00

Listening to "Slip Sliding Away" by Paul Simon: "You know the nearer your destination, the more you're slip sliding away." No shit. Seems like the closer I get to him, the more my worry grows. I wonder if I don't need to take a break. I've wondered this before in relationships, and with hindsight it ultimately would not have made that much of a difference, except if I didn't get back together

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107719840792157992005-02-06T13:25:00.000-06:002005-02-06T14:48:07.436-06:00

Getting kind of tired of the constant worry. Yesterday C and I spent about 15 hours together--met at the engineering library and worked on stuff (I actually got a decent amount done), then went on our date that we had planned Friday night. There was going to be an observing session of the Chambana Astronomical Society, so I suggested we go. He wasn't sure that would be a proper date kind of

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107581529193945522005-02-04T23:26:00.000-06:002005-02-04T23:32:09.193-06:00

"Would you please knock and then wait before you walk into my bedroom? One of these days you're going to walk in when I'm naked, and we'll both be scarred for life." --Trying to determine whether or not I want my brother as a roommate when he comes down here for school. I'm sure circumstances in which I might have to say that would not arise (he always waits for the OK before he opens the door

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107563070886954682005-02-04T17:14:00.000-06:002005-02-04T18:24:51.330-06:00

I knew when I posted the last entry that I'd be feeling better. Today I spent doing stuff--had class at 10 and 11, then went to astronomy early and pretty much finished the homework (could have used more time on it, but I finished it well enough) even though I did about 1/3 of it in the hour before it was due. Then I made a trip to the office of my college (physics is in the College of Liberal

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107492125736890862005-02-03T22:13:00.000-06:002005-02-03T23:00:10.980-06:00

Tonight after aikido practice, I was going to go grocery shopping while he was at the regular practice (the beginner class is right before the regular class--he sometimes uses beginner practice as a warm-up). Tonight's beginning class was rather intense, though, and we were both exhausted afterwards. Because he was so tired, he decided not to go to the regular practice. I suggested he come

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107457906311525602005-02-03T13:07:00.000-06:002005-02-03T13:11:46.313-06:00

Another long conversation with C last night...I'm feeling better. I really enjoy talking to him. I don't remember the last time I felt that in this way--dunno if I ever have. I mean, messing around is fun, and sometimes it's all I want to do, but I'm often happiest afterwards when we've just been talking. Still got tons of work to do. I've been trying not to think about it. Gonna go play

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107389776649693312005-02-02T17:58:00.000-06:002005-02-02T18:22:17.873-06:00

And again we hit the not-ready wall. He's starting to do the thing that guys do, when you've gone a certain distance--he's started to head for the intimate right away. Isn't this a surprise. I honestly don't know what to do. I have trouble not beating myself up for not being ready to go right away. How am I supposed to make sure he takes his time? What if he gets annoyed with how long it takes

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107234315549816292005-01-31T22:23:00.000-06:002005-01-31T23:10:33.100-06:00

Definitely feeling ...more so... about C. More interested, much closer, more infatuated. I'm starting to do the stare-and-grin-like-an-idiot thing when we're facing each other. It's okay, because he just stares back (hee). But still, even though I want him more (in every way, not just physically), I'm okay when I'm away from him. I missed him over break, and again when I went home this weekend,

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107067733421716002005-01-30T01:48:00.000-06:002005-01-30T00:59:48.183-06:00

[Ed. note: This may or may not be completely coherent. It's been a rough day, and I'm very tired.] Figured out why I seem to be having a harder time than some other members of my family. And I feel bad to say that, because I'm probably just not seeing it since I'm so caught up in trying to wrap my own mind around death. But when I got there and I cried, it seemed like my dad assumed it was the

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1107057473673173752005-01-29T21:09:00.000-06:002005-01-29T21:57:53.673-06:00

Mom did indeed call as soon as she got the messages--at about 8:30 this morning. I didn't know what to say. Grandpa's funeral was today. We gathered at the funeral home at about 1, and friends started coming in around 2, the service was at 4:30 and we went for dinner after that. I got home about 8:30. I was considering going out, but the two people I called weren't going out. After a bit I

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106978929264197322005-01-28T23:29:00.000-06:002005-01-29T00:08:49.263-06:00

I admit I wrote unfairly of my mother. Of course she will call me the moment she hears about Grandpa's passing, but she hasn't heard yet. She is on her blues cruise and has been for the past few days--it's in the Caribbean, so both her cell phones are useless and therefore off. Getting hold of her will be impossible until she gets back. Would have been nice to know she was going to be

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106806555789838342005-01-26T22:23:00.000-06:002005-01-27T01:45:51.336-06:00

Car needs new radiator. $326. Fuck. I have it, from financial aid. But that's 3/4 of an entire month's rent. That means I won't have enough to pay my last month. That means I have to run to Mom. This is why I didn't give the check to my apartment building yet. I wrote it for four months--now I only have enough for three. I might have another job, though. And now that I've dropped down to 15

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106765587630413742005-01-26T13:25:00.000-06:002005-01-26T12:53:07.630-06:00

Dad called at about 9:15 this morning. Grandpa passed away at about 2 am today. His heart stopped. I brought my car in a day early--my appointment was tomorrow--with the place's permission. I think I may still take the train up, though--I have a lot of work to do and I don't know how much I'm going to be able to get done. Maybe having the travel time to work will help. I have to determine if I

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106722098182877832005-01-26T01:18:00.000-06:002005-01-26T00:48:18.183-06:00

A couple of days ago my dad called to say that the cat his brother had given him had died--she had a blockage in her intestine. Her name was Sarabi, like Simba's mother in The Lion King. She was a beautiful domestic shorthair raised by my uncle's wife (she's a cat breeder). Looked like a kitten. Skittish little thing, but so sweet. He only had her for a couple of weeks. Today my brother called

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106641386184696622005-01-25T02:05:00.000-06:002005-01-25T02:23:06.186-06:00

Had a long conversation tonight when I took him home. I can talk to him easily, openly, without fear. I am amazed, but at the same time I am not--it is so natural to talk to him about what's going on in my head. He takes what I say at face value and responds to it with intelligence, logic, and understanding. And he gives good advice, as I've mentioned. I realized that I am impatient to be

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106530278845598172005-01-23T18:36:00.000-06:002005-01-23T20:10:21.066-06:00

Every time I see him I find out that he has yet another quality I had previously decided I wanted in a partner. He is cute, sexy, funny, intelligent, kind, affectionate, appreciative (heh), sweet, thoughtful, ethical, logical, and he's got his head on right. He's also, as I discovered Friday night, a natural at swing dancing. Good frame, picked up the basic step in all of five minutes. I taught

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106213141868895912005-01-20T03:02:00.000-06:002005-01-20T03:25:41.866-06:00

Didn't see C at all yesterday (Tuesday--it's late, I know. I should be in bed) and saw him for a few hours today but it was mostly in class and on campus. I'm back to being comfortable. All I can do is continue and hope that I begin to feel...more. Closer. Able to open up a bit. Or maybe I'll actually figure this shit out and get over it. Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do.

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106105912125261342005-01-18T21:37:00.000-06:002005-01-18T21:38:32.126-06:00

I'm writing because I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts when I speak, and because I'm not really sure how I feel and writing helps me figure that out...and I forget stuff. Tonight I think I felt my fear the most since I first acted on my attraction to you. There are a billion things that I'm afraid of, just little things from past relationships that I'm afraid will come up in this one.

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106086442503115402005-01-18T14:49:00.000-06:002005-01-18T16:14:58.833-06:00

See, what I really don't get is the rush of adrenaline. Is that fear or is that infatuation? because you know how in the beginning, when you think about the person, sometimes you get a rush? Maybe that's what it is and I just don't feel the good part. I'm scared to give him the letter. I don't have anything to change on it, but it seems too personal. I feel like I'm curled up in a corner, warily

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1106041864140168202005-01-18T03:30:00.000-06:002005-01-18T21:41:57.320-06:00

It wasn't like cold fear seized my heart when he said he's falling in love with me. But when I think about it now, I get a rush of adrenaline and yes, that's definitely something akin to fear along with it. I'm so uncertain, so scared, and I only feel it some of the time. Tonight we hung out (and made out) in my room for a few hours, and at first there was something in me that balked at making

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1105987124542884732005-01-17T07:38:00.000-06:002005-01-17T12:38:44.543-06:00

Two goddamned minutes! What alarm clock has a two-minute snooze? The one in the apartment that I can hear plainly in my room, of course! If my head didn't hurt I'd go down to the little gym in my apartment building and go for a walk on the treadmill. See, now I understand why people do awful things to other people. It's because the walls in their apartment building are so thin that they get

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1105987042311933882005-01-17T07:31:00.000-06:002005-01-17T12:37:39.890-06:00

Went to bed at 2 am, about three hours earlier than I have been for the last few weeks. Woke up at a quarter to six for no particular reason (although that one person somewhere in this area of the building whose alarm has been going off since about 6:15? Totally not helping) and haven't been able to get back to sleep. Xanga prefers to use a time zone that isn't mine--it's currently a little after

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1105910647314506072005-01-16T15:07:00.000-06:002005-01-16T19:13:05.376-06:00

I don't remember if I felt such a physical pull toward T. I mean, I remember that I blogged about feeling pulled toward him but I think it was less pleasant. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. This is why I'm scared of the way I feel about C. I think once I get through the first three months, I'll have a better idea about how this is going to work. Too bad I have to get into this to see if I go

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1105872299012441932005-01-16T04:00:00.000-06:002005-01-16T04:44:59.013-06:00

...the more I think that he really is my match. We were going to go out for coffee tonight. He picked me up and then had to run an errand for which he had to stop at his house first. He goes in, comes out and asks if I'd like to go get something to eat with his dad. I say sure. He goes back in. A few minutes later I meet his dad, who is not quite what I'd pictured (I never picture anybody the

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1105615189114051762005-01-13T03:40:00.000-06:002005-01-13T13:46:56.356-06:00

And it was me who kissed him. Okay so. I wake up about noon today, my first day back in Champaign. I take a shower, I send a message to C-at-school (from now on referred to as C) but he's not on, I list my books on the website my roommate told me about, I talk to my adopted little brother online, I start planning the rearrangement of my room because the current arrangement is simply not working

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1105523655368254572005-01-12T02:51:00.000-06:002005-01-12T03:54:15.366-06:00

In Naperville I am lazy and fucked up for too much of the time. I have no direction there; I take time off from having direction. I have no willpower there. I mean, I have no willpower here, but here I'm with people who are going somewhere, who don't sit around much, who have things going on that involve more than what's required to sit around the rest of the time. I don't know if that's making

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1105176489540049612005-01-08T03:20:00.000-06:002005-01-08T03:28:39.856-06:00

Alle inspired me to write this. It's a version of events that is loosely how things have gone and how I'd prefer for things to go in the future. ~ She turned a corner and ran right into him. In the confusion, she had time to register what was happening and who he was, but she couldn't do anything about the fact that she was headed toward the ground. An arm underneath her ribs stopped her

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1105135883804797112005-01-07T15:39:00.000-06:002005-01-08T23:18:07.396-06:00

When I finally start finding things that I don't like about C-at-school, it's going to be a huge letdown, I'm sure. Every time before this I was setting myself up for disappointment when I got excited about finding things we had in common, and I'd look back on it wondering what was the big deal. This time, it's an affinity for roadtrips that we seem to share (there are other things; this is just

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104992548508883452005-01-05T23:14:00.000-06:002005-01-06T00:22:28.506-06:00

I miss him. I miss his presence, his voice, his mannerisms, his face. Talking to him online allows us to be more open about difficult things, but we don't, apparently, have much to talk about. Starting conversations is difficult. We've been taking turns thinking up conversation starters. He won't argue with me. I think I don't like that, but I'm not sure. It makes it more difficult to figure

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104839663838279612005-01-04T05:04:00.000-06:002005-01-04T05:54:23.836-06:00

I need to stop trying to make a decision when I don't have all the information I need. I am going to take it as it comes, because I can't do anything else. Going along with the flow of life is how I've always lived. There are some things I can do, some small decisions I can make, that will affect the timing and a little of the direction this takes, but with this kind of thing I always seem to

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104809501427222292005-01-03T21:30:00.000-06:002005-01-03T21:31:41.426-06:00

What does it mean when you're lonely even when you've been hanging out with your friends all the time?

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104784141056221522005-01-03T14:22:00.000-06:002005-01-03T14:29:01.056-06:00

Maybe waiting for him to kiss me would be a good compromise between what I thought and what I now think on the subject. No seriously. Hear me out. He knows I'm planning on holding back until April. He's also so shy that the two times I've hugged him, he's been completely flatfooted (his description) and hasn't been able to do anything. So what are the odds that he would kiss me anytime soon? I'm

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104730775285510582005-01-02T23:39:00.000-06:002005-01-03T00:37:59.416-06:00

...remind me why I'm waiting until April to get into a relationship? This is what's going through my head: But I don't wait for things. I do what I want to do. I want him. Why should I hold back? I can see nothing else. Because doing what I want to do when the urge strikes hasn't worked so far, and it has actually caused many problems. That's why I was pathetic with T. But I don't see how

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104656689886614402005-01-02T02:52:00.000-06:002005-01-02T23:14:35.776-06:00

When I get back to school and see C-at-school, I'm either going to kiss him right there or I'm going to be standoffish for weeks. I am alternately certain I want one and then the other. I'm depressed. I'm also tired, but I want to talk to C-at-school. He probably fell asleep. Dammit. I feel pathetic. I hate that. I need to resolve to not be pathetic, because I know I'm romanticizing and I

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104608710586485142005-01-01T13:26:00.000-06:002005-01-02T23:30:16.353-06:00

Kick ass party, man. Keep in mind, my idea of a kick-ass party is a couple of friends, a couple beers, and conversation that ties me up in knots laughing. I'm not big on huge parties. My head only hurts a little, and I need to eat something so that my stomach will quit occasionally cussing in my direction in return for the two beers and the glass and a half of merlot--DUDE. Okay. I'm in the

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104580035893887162005-01-01T05:40:00.000-06:002005-01-01T13:51:17.003-06:00

I get to talk to him again! C-at-school is back from vacation. He was up, and online, at 5 am when I got home. Dare I hope he was waiting for me? Or at least hoping for me to be online? But I mean, gah! I am! So! Sick! of WAITING! I want him. Now. I don't want to wait, I don't want to pretend we're just friends, I don't want to not be in a relationship now. I want to be in one with him.

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104481288911604132004-12-31T02:10:00.000-06:002004-12-31T02:52:38.396-06:00

Saw my first boyfriend at Denny's tonight. We were 13, didn't know what to do or how this should work or what. I pretended I hadn't seen him. I'm still shy about talking to strangers with whom I share the distant past; I don't like it. Man. That was ages ago. I wondered what had happened to him, but I was too shy to say anything. Now I'd really like to know. I made a note in my datebook to

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9031052.post-1104400513168769272004-12-30T03:19:00.000-06:002005-01-03T14:42:19.390-06:00

I miss C-at-school. I miss him a lot. [Ed Note: This post is a little confused. Just so you know. I was half asleep writing it.] That smile he gave me at group study for mechanics the week before finals still makes me...do something. It's a weird feeling, a mixture of fear, caution, sadness, worry, oh-god-not-again, and good ol' stupid grinny infatuation. But that smile--boyish, shy, and

Velvetnoreply@blogger.com0